Hayride

So this weekend I went on the hayride with Tom and his fraternity. It was alright. The hayride itself wasn't fun because I have had awful hayride experiences (I'll explain later) and Tom was being insensitive about it. But after the hayride we hung out around the campfire and that was fun. It was a really nice night so I wasn't really cold even though I was wearing a skimpy french maid outfit. That part of the night was fun. Later that night me and Tom got into a huge fight (it actually was a stupid fight but both of us were drunk and Tom was wayyyyy to drunk and he got sick and I was mad that he drank so much).

Well now my scary hayride stories. Well when I was in third grade and a friend of mine invited me to go to a party in the country. Basically it was teenagers and adults getting smashed in the woods. Well they had a hayride and my friend Stacy and I went on the hayride. We happened to end up on the tractor that had all teenagers (we were 8 or 9). The kids had a radio and were blasting music. Well me and her were jumping of the hayride and hanging onto trees. Then we would run and catch back up with the tractor and climb back on. Well my friend had left her tennis shoe untied and as she was climbing back on she got her shoelace caught in the wheel. She got flipped over the wheel and then she got run over by the tractor wheel. I saw it happen but no one else did. I jumped off the tractor to lay by her unconscious body and was screaming and screaming but since the music was so loud no one noticed. So there I was 8 years old trapped in the pitch black in the middle of the woods with no idea where I'm going with my friend laying unconscious next to me, while I'm thinking she might be dead, there were coyotes somewhere which scared me even more cause since I was so young I thought they would try to eat Stacy. I was just terrified. We had to wait for a while til the next tractor came Her dad was too drunk (he was like an abusive alcoholic) and he didn't want to take her to the hospital. It turns out she crushed her pelvic bone and tons of other stuff but I don't exactly remember exactly all the medical problems she had but I know she will never be able to have children. I also know a girl who was killed in a hayride accident.

I had told Tom that story before the hayride because I was really nervous about it. The whole time I was terrified he would fall off or something awful would happen because he was goofing around on the edge the whole time. Then someone asked him to jump off and grab onto trees and of course being a drunk dumbass he did. I was so pissed because he was doing the exact same thing that had nearly killed my best friend in third grade. I even told him before we went because I was really upset about the whole experience. I was so mad he was that insensitive to my feelings. He was just acting like a dumbass and it bugged me. Thats why I was so angry with him that night.

Now that all that stuff happened this weekend, I am having a hard time forgetting what happened so many years ago. I had a scary dream about it last night.

On a lighter note, Hugh Laurie was on Saturday Night Live and I thought it was pretty funny. But then again I am just obsessed with House. And I think Hugh is kinda hot and his accent is even hotter.

Kicked Out

I was kicked out of my house on Sunday. Because me and my mom had an argument, because I didn't wash the dishes, because I don't go to church, and because I haven't been able to find a job.

So Tom's family invited me to stay with them for the rest of break. It was fun because his family was nice to me but he ignored me basically the whole time and when he wasn't ignoring me he was slapping/kicking/hitting/throwing thigns at me or making fun of me or being mean to me. He never understands anything and never treats me nice or comforts me when I am upset about something. Or if he does comfort me he will expect something in return. For example one night I was upset and crying and he laid with me and talked to me and stuff and then as soon as I was feeling a little better he wanted a blow job and when I said I didn't want to right then he was like "Ugh I just wasted my time when I could have been doing homework".

Sometimes I just want to break up with him and never talk to him again but I love him so much that I can't do it. I don't even know why I love him so much cause he is rude and snappy and mean to me most of the time. I am also scared that I will never be able to meet another guy. And I won't have any other friends to hang out with if we broke up. The good should outweigh the bad but there are so few good times now.

He is a sexist and always acts superior to me in everything. I have only played on Play Station 2 like three times in my life. So I went to Tom's house and played this game with him and it was my first time playing and he had been playing the game for years and I beat him three times and he beat me five times. (MY first time playing) and he gets so obnoxious like the whole afternoon rubbing it in my face and calling me a loser and stuff. Then me and him were playing a game together where we were supposed to work as a team to kill as many enemies as possible. Well I was about to kill some guy and he was mad because I killed more people than him so he killed me and ended the whole thing. He is such a five year old.

I didn't start this blog to complain about Tom but I feel like many of the feelings/things I am experiencing right now are directly related to the way he treats me most of the time. Not saying he doesn't treat me nicely sometimes because he does. I just feel like he is hurting my feelings more than helping me feel better.

I am so upset about the whole family thing. Nobody in my family cared. Not even my five year old brother Michael or my eight year old sister Margaret. No one. I just got a hug and then shoved out the door basically. Before I felt like the only people I had to support me through the hard time I am going through was my family and Tom. Now I know my family doesn't give a shit what happens to me and I really feel like Tom doesn't either. I have no one who cares about me or anything.

I just feel so depressed and lonely all the time.

Les Choristes

So in my French class we watched this really good movie. It is Les Choristes (The Chorus in English). Anyway it is a really good movie with really good music and everyone should watch it.

The Cardinals made it to the World Series. First game is tomorrow night. We are gonna win I know it.

Tonight I went to Tom's house. We had a compromise where we would go to his house for like three hours and watch Les Choristes and then go back to school to go to a party at his friends apartment for about three hours (we probably would have ended up staying later). Originally he said that wasn't a fair deal for him when it really was. But he eventually agreed to it. So I called him when I was on my way to his house and he said he didn't even want to go to his friends party cause most people went home for our Fall Break and it would only be a few other people there. Then later that night he was like "I'm kinda disappointed because I wanted to go" - like it was my fault we didn't go!!!!!!

He shouldn't have said he didn't want to go if he wanted to. And I know what's going to happen next. He will then tell his friends that I made him stay at his house making me sound like such a bad person.

I love Halloween. I am trying to decide what to dress up as. I want to be Christine from Phantom of the Opera but I have no Phantom. So that would be stupid. I'll sleep on it and see if I get any good new ideas.

Stressed

Damn I am stressed right now. I have two exams tomorrow. So let me start this off by saying recently I have had to get all kinds of tests done because I am having neurological abnormalties.

That being said, I had to miss two of my Psychology of Teaching class. In this class most people type up their notes. So the other day I was trying to find someone to email me their notes from the classes I missed. Everyone I asked would not do it. Some people came up with excuses that were obviously lies. A few others just ignored me. That is the thing I will hate most about SLU. People are just downright assholes here. I have never been surrounded by such a rude self centerred group of people before.

So I am going into the exam tomorrow missing about six pages of notes. I am so fucking screwed. God I hate assholes.

On top of that there is the whole Tom thing. Tonight he asked me what I would think if he transferred to an art school. I told him honestly I would be pissed because I came here to this school which I am not liking so far and I am having a really hard time adjusting and making friends. And he wants to leave after I gave so much of my old life up so we could be together. We kinda discussed how we would probably break up if he did that. He didn't seem phased at all. I know he gets upset when I say I sometimes don't feel like he cares about me. But if he did wouldn't he at least be a little upset by the idea of breaking up? We have been together a long time and I hope he isn't just dating me out of habit.

Well off to study for the midterm I will be failing anyway.

Wow It's Been Awhile

So I have not written anything in a long time. I think I want to start writing on this blog again. I don't know how long I will keep up with it, but I'll try my best.

Me and Tom are still dating - its been 13 months. Recently he's been so busy with his fraternity I feel like he doesn't have enough time for me. And when we do spend time together he is being rude and calling me names. For example the other day I wanted to walk to go buy dinner. I asked if he wanted to come and he said yes. As we started walking I could tell he didn't really want to come so I told him to go back to his room and do homework cause I could just go by myself and meet up with him later. I said this like five times knowing he would later complain that I MADE him go with me when in reality I would rather have just gone by myself cause he was cranky. So then he yells at me later and calls me a time constraint.

I can't even picture even kissing him anymore because of all the mean things he has said to me lately. Like whenever he wants to fool around at all I just don't want to at all because of how he's treated me lately. I don't know exactly what to do because I still really care about him but he's been acting like such an asshole recently.

Well now I'm at SLU. SLU's got lots of good things going on. I can always go back and visit my family and they can bring me up all the stuff I have left at home. There are many more things to do at SLU then at Truman. However, I did not even realize how much more expensive everything would be at SLU than at Truman. Dance lessons are extremely expensive here and so is the equestrian team. At Truman it was really cheap and fun. I miss my old friends like crazy and I am having the hardest time meeting new people. I feel like all my friends who I know at SLU don't want to hang out with me anymore so as of right now the only person I really hang out with is Tom. Who is being mean to me. Not the best situation.

Anyway, that's just an update on my current situation. I wanna see how long I keep up posting on this blog. Not necessarily every day but at least on a weekly basis.